The Freedom of Boundaries in a Post-Pandemic World
A treasured mentor and coach recently shared with me a powerful image of a butterfly: emerging from its cocoon, half in/half out, it can look almost stuck – like it can’t get out. In this phase, it’s all too tempting to pull it out, to help it along. Yet when we do - usually with the best possible intentions - we clip the new butterfly’s wings. It will never learn to fly, or grow into its full potential.
In so many ways, particularly in the U.K., I see us as the ones emerging from that cocoon right now. And depending on where you are in the world, perhaps this moment is the same for you, too. As many restrictions lift, it’s tempting to think that we can jump into life as we lived it over a year ago – but it’s really important that we take our time. In the hope that we can come out of this extended phase of cocooning without causing ourselves unnecessary shock, anxiety or overwhelm, this month I’m talking all about boundaries.
Within my work and training in counselling and psychology, I’ve spent many years reflecting on what boundaries are, how to make them and the many benefits that learning to enforce boundaries can bring. Without asserting boundaries, we regularly (if not daily) have our boundaries crossed and suffer the countless consequences. I too often see the feelings of powerlessness, resentment and discontent that come up when we don’t know how to enforce and respect boundaries for ourselves (or even when we don’t know what/where our boundaries are in the first place).
The thing is, boundaries and comfort are intimately linked. Establishing and having boundaries is about tuning into our limits – our borders and edges – and exploring what is authentically ok and not ok for us. Unless we make these boundaries for ourselves, no one else will. ‘Boundary’ is a word famously associated with parenting – children thrive when they have safe boundaries that they can explore within. Children only feel safe to explore when they know there are certain limits. And as adults, we are just the same. No matter what your childhood was like, and what boundaries were (or weren’t) enforced, it’s never too late to make them for ourselves. Gabrielle Roth, the founder of 5Rhythms, once said “you need discipline to be a free spirit”. I love this quote: in order to be truly free and comfortable with freedom, we first need strong boundaries. In this new world, where so many boundaries and restrictions have been placed on us (sometimes at a moment’s notice), we will likely never feel safe enough to spread our wings further afield if we don’t each work on our personal boundaries.
In my own life, it took me a pretty long time to get a hold on this boundaries stuff. Somewhere along the way, I picked up the all-too-common and destructive cultural assumption that a woman has to be available to others all the time, in order to validate her sense of self-worth. And when I’m tired or stressed, this one resurfaces easily - I fall into the trap of feeling like I’m a bad person if I’m not constantly available to everyone in my life. In fact, this pandemic has taught me something crucial about my own boundaries – mainly that I value my own space more than I ever realised. As a people person, I love spending time with others - however, having been in my own energy more than ever in my life, I’ve actually thrived in so many ways. Starting to write this blog, starting my new business, making major shifts in my working and personal life - these have all come about as a result of being forced to be in my own home for so many months. There are many things that have happened over this pandemic that I would never have wished for – but in this way, at least, I have realised the kind of interaction boundaries I want to make for myself going forward. Nowadays I have a different sense of how much time I want to spend at home, or in close company, versus being out in the world non-stop (typically at a breakneck pace). The question is how to keep that awareness going and take that learning with me as we slowly return to a more interactive reality (which I also can’t wait for!).
So how do we figure out what our boundaries are and how to enforce them?
We first need to become more aware of our inner world, to slow down and assess how we’re doing moment to moment. This kind of presence and self-awareness is about noticing how we feel in our bodies, what our inner voice is telling us, how our emotions are doing. If you’re experiencing uncomfortable body sensations, thoughts or emotions in different environments or relationships, it’s likely a boundary is being crossed. Listen to what your experience is telling you, be curious about the situation and what triggers you into anxiety, stress or overwhelm. Then slow down, reassess, tune into your feelings. In essence: take care of yourself. As we notice this more and more, we can practice asserting and addressing our limits and taking care of ourselves along the way. Here are some of the boundaries we can choose to implement:
Physical boundaries – including personal space and physical touch. If your body is reacting with discomfort, perhaps a physical boundary is being crossed. For example – we can’t expect to be comfortable surrounded by hundreds of people when many of us haven’t been in groups of more than 6 for a very long time. What is your body telling you about your physical boundaries as you re-enter group environments? How do you honour that?
Emotional boundaries – these include our feelings and how we express them. When we are dismissed emotionally, or criticised, these boundaries are crossed – e.g. someone saying ‘you’re ok’ when you’re crying or being told ‘you’re overreacting’. Creating emotional boundaries includes deciding who you share emotional content and personal information with. Perhaps your emotions are going to be more sensitive at this time too, and that’s ok.
Intellectual boundaries – these refer to thoughts and ideas we share that people can dismiss or belittle. When we share, there should be respect and a willingness to understand other people’s views, even if they’re not the same as our own. If these boundaries are being crossed, how do we express that that’s not ok to others?
Sexual boundaries – including physical, emotional and mental aspects. Essentially, any sexual comments, ogling, unwanted touch or pressure to engage in sexual acts can destroy a sexual boundary. Sexual boundaries will include mutual consent and understanding limits.
Material boundaries – boundaries on personal possessions. Does someone always borrow your things or your money and not return them? Again it’s about what you choose to share and with whom – and making that boundary when we are not being treated with respect.
Time boundaries – how much of your time do people demand? Having healthy time boundaries is about setting aside time for all of your priorities, including your relationships, hobbies, work and time alone. Be aware of your priorities and your values. Has the pandemic perhaps shown you how you would like to balance your time inside and outside of your close circle or home going forward?
As we face the new scenario of being ‘back outside’ here in the U.K. as everything opens again, I think it’s so important to tune into what feels ok and not ok for you and take action if you’re feeling uncomfortable. It could mean leaving a situation where you feel overwhelmed when around too many other people, or openly saying to someone that you’re not comfortable being somewhere or doing something as we re-emerge. Your comfort levels will be different to others – especially as we adapt to this post-pandemic world. You know your body, mind and emotions better than anyone and you honour these whenever you state what you are comfortable with. Whatever boundaries you feel you need to enforce, I guarantee that listening to yourself and making boundaries will help you to keep a healthy, happy sense of self going forward. That’s the thing about boundaries - making them brings us inner freedom.
To learn some practical tools for asserting your boundaries, you can watch my short YouTube video, part of my Know Yourself in 2021 series.
