Happiness is an Inside Job

The more I teach people about self-compassion, the more curious I become about it. No — awed by it. I used to find self-compassion quite a woolly term, the kind of territory of ‘treat yourself’ messages in the supermarket or running yourself a nice bubble bath. Nowadays, I’m so often amazed by its power. Far from being about superficial self-care activities, I see it as holding the potential for deep personal transformation. On one of my recent courses, a participant told me that it was the discovery of this concept — and its practical application — that turned her around from a lifetime of unconscious self-sabotage to feeling like she was ready to step into a more confident and empowered future.

So, what’s it all about? I think it’s helpful to first explore the definition of compassion itself — an awareness of other peoples’ suffering and a deep desire to end that suffering. “Well of course I want to help my loved ones, friends and neighbours when they are struggling”, people say. Naturally we want our fellow humans to feel supported — we are a relational species, after all. In fact, at no time in recent history have we been more switched on to this desire than now, in the midst of a global pandemic. Perhaps it is more culturally normal now than it’s ever been, with so many of us separated from our loved ones.

And yet. When I invite people to turn this same compassionate approach inwards, moving from compassion to self-compassion, people tell me they find it alien, strange, weird. “End my own suffering?” I hear people ask… “It’s “selfish”, “I don’t deserve it”, “My ‘suffering is nothing compared to…” (fill in the blank here). What I see time and time again is that self-criticism — and even self-torture — are things we humans are generally more comfortable with (or at least, more used to). Typically, our inner voice is more likely to damningly swear at us for our mistakes, past and present, than give us warm and supportive tones. Especially if we’ve never done any self-exploration or self-development work before.

There’s something really interesting going on here. Why are we so much more comfortable treating ourselves with disapproval rather than approval? Why are we so switched on to our faults rather than our strengths? Yes of course, this might not be the case for people who always feel superior or right — but, bearing in mind a superiority complex is connected to inferiority and shame, we’re circling back around the same core.

Of course — as ever — there’s some basic neuroscience that can help us understand things here, this tendency towards the negative. This is our infamous ‘negativity bias’ at play: our human brains are naturally geared towards the negative, both external and internal. We love to ruminate on what could go wrong, the mistakes we’ve made, the potential errors — rather than the fact the sky is blue or that we just did something really kind. This was absolutely necessary in the threatening environment we found ourselves in as hunter-gatherers, and key to our survival. So the primal brain developed to be overly cautious as we evolved, and for good reason: with a saber-toothed tiger potentially lurking around any corner, we needed to have this mindset.

This is also where the inner critic lives within us — the scared (often foul-mouthed) presence in our psyche trying to keep us safe and treading the path of what’s known. In the process, this voice can be less than kind from inside our own heads. Think of the voice that tells you you’re never good enough and you should give up, the one that shows you all the ways you’ve messed up. Welcome to your inner critic. Typically, this character within our internal world is made extra jazzy by parental figures or authority figures who told us there was something about us that was less than– and we took this on as truth. Those people no longer have to say those things because we’ve internalised them, and we tell ourselves instead.

Thankfully, on the flipside of the insecure inner critic in our primal brain, we also have our inner coach. This character is connected to our more recently evolved prefrontal cortex (the area where the forehead is). In contrast to the primal brain, this is the part of the brain that’s responsible for more civilised faculties that we needed as we evolved. This brain area is more balanced and rational and governs qualities like self-control, forward planning and emotional regulation. The voice of the inner coach leads us further on the road towards self-fulfilment, support and self-care. In fact, the shape and structure of this part of the brain actually changes significantly when we meditate regularly — it literally grows and changes shape. It also helps us better explore whether a threat is really a threat or whether our primal brain is simply telling us that story.

What of self-compassion? Self-compassion is the bridge that helps us most when that inner critic starts ranting. The key lies in first noticing this process in the first place, and then consciously directing your attention back to the inner coach with a gentle steer — back to a more balanced, more positive view. Telling ourselves what we need hear. Is it true that I’m a terrible mother? Is it true that I will never find a boss who values me? Is it true that my best friend is avoiding me? Or is my inner critic just freaking out because it loves to catastrophise? The better we can get at mind management, the more we can choose to prioritise the kinder voice of the inner coach and show ourselves self-compassion. Relief, inner calm and happiness naturally follow.

To boot, self-compassion is a gateway to us not being so reliant on outside approval. We can actually learn to be our own support when we most need it, rather than looking to others for that reassurance. After all, we are the only ones who know the critical voices we hear in our minds and the approval we need. So — when your friend seems angry at you and not like herself, rather than assuming she hates you, instead, you can notice you’re feeling more anxious and ask your inner coach, “is this true?”. Perhaps your friend is just having a bad day, your coach might say, and if you’re feeling anxious too, maybe you both need a bit of support.

Ultimately, mental mastery begins with deep self-knowledge. The more we understand our inner states and are aware of them moment to moment, the more we realise that we all have an inner critic and an inner coach, and we can begin to choose which to listen to. The more this process happens, the more the brain pathways are created to go back there in future. The inner critic tends to bark louder because it’s fearful and edgy and the inner coach can be harder to hear — but they are both always there. It begins with directing kindness to yourself in those moments you feel least secure, showing yourself care and reminding yourself that you are good enough, and that anything else is your inner critic having a field day.

That’s the thing about critics — they can be very loud, active and aggressive. But inner coaches? Over time, they’ll give you all the support, love and care you’ve ever looked for. And you don’t even have to go anywhere — it’s an inside job.

For some practical tools on how to access your self-compassion day to day, you can watch my YouTube video here, part of my ‘Know Yourself in 2021’ series.